Peter King: Well good day to all in the BFFL. I welcome you to the 18th edition of the BFFL. I have just finished my camp post cards for all the major franchises in the BFFL, however there is one franchise left on the tour and that franchise is The Branch Davidians.
After repeated calls to team headquarters weren’t returned, I was about ready to leave Austin, Tx. However at the last moment, I received an anonymous call that said to meet a team representative of the Branch Davidians at the Luck J on Burnet Rd. for the world famous chicken and waffle tacos. I was a bit struck by the tone, however me being the food expert I decided this was a must. When I arrived , I ordered a Mrs. M with potatoes. I was only there for a minute, when who should tap me on my shoulder, right when I sat down? None other than Team Owner/President/General Manager/Head Coach/Spiritual Consoler/Messiah/2012 Presidential Candidate, David Koresh of the 3 time BFFL Champion, Branch Davidians. I was now going to find out from David himself what he thought of the up coming season, which saw the 2011 title go to none other than South Austin’s own The Horns. I was interested to see what the ole messiah coach would have to say of the 18th edition of the BFFL. Here is an excerpt of my interview.
King: Hello David, long time no see, I didn’t think you would be in a good mood to talk to me after the Davidians came close but no cigar last year?
Koresh: Peter I really don’t like to talk about past teams and relish on past accomplishments! Who do you think I am the Criminoles? Rogainers? Other teams and franchises have to sunshine pump themselves every year based on their “past” accomplishments, well good for them. Do they also want a hug?
King: Wow David, that is a little harsh and narrow minded don’t you think?
Koresh: Peter, the word narrow should never be in your vocabulary that’s for sure. But my point is this; Great franchises such as the one from Mt. Carmel are only great because we have the vision to concentrate on the future on what we are going to accomplish, not what we have accomplished!
King: Well David, what is the outlook for the 2012 edition of The Branch Davidians?
Koresh: The 2012 edition of The Branch Davidians is set with a solid foundation of players that will make The Branch Davidians the first to reach 4 titles in the BFFL. I drafted a team that could compete with well, anybody really! We have the best running back in the league that all the white guys can be proud of. Come on white guys lets just call him “Zi Aryan” errrr, Arian Foster! We have a return from last year’s squad in Ryan Mathews, and just to keep in the tradition of having a solid rookie running back in Trent Richardson.
King: Hey David, do you think that is a little racist, we white guys don’t like to talk about “Aryan Power”?
Koresh: We have so many token white guys in this league you would think we would have made it a point to have two white dudes as commissioner!
King: Uh, David you do have two token white guys as commissioner.
Koresh: Uh……yeah you are right! We do have two token white guys as league commissioners. 😉
Koresh: Like I was saying before we have a spectacular group of running backs that will be able to deliver the type of success the fans at Mt. Carmel have come to expect. We also have some players that are as talented as the guys at the top of the depth chart: Ryan Williams, David Wilson, and the ever-reliable Michael Bush. Our locker room slogan, “We got the good Bush!” and no we aren’t talking about Mr. Kardashian Reggie Bush.
King: You feel about the players you have at the running back position?
Koresh: Peter, I feel more than excited about my running backs than you do about your Starbucks, my tubby friend.
King: What about you’re other players at Quarterback, Wide Out, and Tight End?
Koresh: Oh Peter if you would just shut your pie hole for a moment I will tell you about the other parts of the whole. Quarterbacking the Branch Davidians this year is none other than Matt Ryan. Matty fit the perfect description of what we are looking at the quarterback position. A tall white guy, that at times looks goofy enough like a Manning but will have much better weapons at his disposal. At wide receiver I was looking at a player who could transcend the position. The player that fit that description more than ever was Julio Iglesias Jones aka “The Horse”. The Horse has more athletic ability in one calf than all the Jordy Nelsons, Jordan Shipleys, Jimmy Cefalos, Cris Collinsworths, Eddie Macs, Wes Welkers, Joe Jurevicius, Pat Tilley, Steve Watson, Wayne Chrebets, Ricky Proehls, and Steve Largents that you can find!
King: Hey…..David, that Steve Largent was pretty good!
Koresh: Hey Peter you are sounding like a certain team owner I know who’s first name starts with Brian and last name end in Scott! Playing the “Z” this year will be Brandon Marshall. The Davidians haven’t had Brandon on the team since 2009 and that year he had this game where he caught like 30 passes in a game for 200 yards and a couple of touchdowns. I will tell you what I have never seen a more dedicated player and teammate. The Branch Davidians are proud to have him once again. To round out the corp. we have Steve Smith, who has brought a gangsta attitude. And finally to pay homage to all those great white guys from above that I listed we have our first white receiver in Branch Davidians history the great Eric Decker!
King: What is that “Gangsta attitude”, can you please explain this.
Koresh: Peter, you don’t speak jive! You wouldn’t understand.
King: Yes you are right David, I don’t speak jive. It sounds like you have the makings of a very talented ball club.
Koresh: You finally see writing on the scriptures do you? Very impressive my Northeastern Yankee. Congrats on that Ohio vs. Pedophilia State. Good game
King: Thank you David, I think.
Koresh: Speaking of the 2012 BFFL Draft there was an interesting question raised by some of the other owners about the draft order.
Koresh: Peter, I first want to take the time and give my heart felt apologizes to the commissioner of the BFFL and his little henchman Donald Fehr. I insulted Commissioner Selig……errrrrrr Scott by calling him commissioner Selig. This was offensive to the real Commissioner Selig. The commissioner isn’t Bud Selig, I have had a change of heart, and he is now and forever known as Commissioner Stern.
King: Commissioner Stern? Please Explain David
Koresh: Well I have never seen a draft rigged to one owner at the top of the draft more than I have for this league. You would have thought that Absentee Eddie P. Owner of Brown Power was a Katrina refugee. Does the BFFL have ownership in Brown Power? Can Absentee Eddie P. get power forward Anthony Davis too! Please make it happen! Oh wait that is next on Commissioner Stern’s agenda.
King: You are truly on a roll David, please don’t stop.
Koresh: I really wish I could stay here and have another chicken and waffle taco but I have to be up bright and early for morning practice. I bid you farewell once again Peter, I hope you enjoy your flight back to New York. I can’t wait to have our conversation after games and talk about the success and failures of the BFFL. Till we meet again my friend.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1. Week 1 of the 2012 edition of the BFFL saw week 1 winners in : The Horns, The Losers, Brown Power, HCP and The Branch Davidians.
a. Week 1 losers were: The Criminoles, The Rogainers, The Trojans, The Nigerian Nightmares, and The Austin Villains, time to hit the panic button gentlemen!
2. I think it was great to see Peyton Manning playing football Sunday Night, just feels surreal to see him in that Nigerian Nightmare uniform.
3. I would like to welcome the newest franchise in the equal opportunity franchise empowerment The Austin Villains. What Rudy Alba wasn’t available? Just kidding on getting in the white guys club not named Augusta National…..oh wait Condey!
4. Congrats to the 2011 BFFL Champion, The Horns. Another championship for this young franchise.
a. Me loves coffee.
c. HCP, come on man, you are due. I didn’t change this sentence from last years column, just changed the year.
d. The Horns are sure glad this Tuesday morning that he didn’t make the Calvin Johnson, L.Blount for D.McFadden and Miles Austin. Funny how things work out.
e. Good bye Junior Seau, man you will be missed
5. We said good bye this summer again (Please stop this!!!!) to one of the staple owners of the BFFL, Jeff Bock you will be truly missed but never ever forgotten. One of the best Jeff Bock story I have happened way back in October of 1998, I was working for Newsday at the time covering the BFFL. I was at the Mt. Carmel headquarters and both David Koresh were corresponding with Jeff Bock by a new form of communication called email. General Manager Koresh was working the phone for a running back to match with Terrell Davis. Finally push came to shove for GM Koresh and told Bock if he would part with Garrison Hearst for Randy Moss! The deal was done and two months later the Branch Davidians would win their first championship in the year 1998. Good bye Jeff you were the old school owners that this league so desperately needs!
6. I think if you want to follow me in various media this year, here’s my schedule:
• Monday: Monday Morning Quarterback on The BFFL, posted by 8 a.m. Start the coffee fund for this one!
• Friday: “Pickem Contest” with stalwarts Dr.Z, Irv Cross, Jimmy the Greek, Braino….let the games begin.
Other assignments will float in and out. I’ll let you know when they’re coming.
7. The BFFL is back and congrats to Commissioner Stern and Donald Fehr for there running in the league.
8. I think I’d be surprised if the Rogainers win it all this year but that can be said for any year, just pick and year and this statement is true.
9. The Criminoles are already sharpening their shank!
10. The Trojans sure know how to draft, patience for your team my friend, I wouldn’t be surprised to pop 8 in a row.
a. HCP, The Losers, and Brown Power. You can bet your franchise that these guys will make the playoffs. All except for HCP, he will make it to the championship game and lose by a point. Just kidding man, no really, you will lose that way!
b. Here is my BFFL predictions for the 2012 season. Division winners will be The Horns and The Branch Davidians. Sneaking into the playoffs will be HCP, Brown Power, The Criminoles. And the last team to get in will be surprise The Trojans. I will pick The Branch Davidians over The Criminoles. Hey if I am wrong contact your bookie to learn how to bet.